Contrary to what so-called relationship experts say, breaking up can never be amicable at the moment it is done. There is always the dumper and the dumpee. The dumper, or heartbreaker, usually has little difficulty moving on; in fact, he initiated the break up for precisely that reason – wanting to move on. It’s the dumpee who has a problem accepting that it’s over, there is no more “us” and no looking forward to the things that couples do.
If you’re at the receiving end of a split, you’ve probably gone through a host of conflicting emotions, vacillating between anger and well-wishing, hurt and resentment, longing and wanting revenge. The period of mourning varies for each individual, from a few days to many months, depending on how one handles being discarded.
Although it’s not easy when you’re still licking your wounds, think of the long term. Before you act on your impulses, consider the outcome. How will it make you look or feel afterwards? Above all, keep your dignity intact. Then, when you’re over it and you bump into your ex, you can hold your head up high because you didn’t’ grovel and beg and plead, even if you were hurting inside.
Here are some things you should avoid doing in the aftermath of a heart-rending, gut-wrenching breakup.
Don’t stalk him, online or physically.
Don’t track his every post or tweet or the images he uploads and comment on them. Don’t make or send unwanted, obscene or threatening posts, photos or messages via email, through social media or the cell phone. It will only make you look pathetic. Worse, it can get you into legal trouble if the ex decides to take action. According to Tad Nelson & Associates, a law firm in Texas, internet stalking is an offense that you can be charged with if you persist in the above-mentioned acts.
Don’t ask to be “just friends.”
Being friends with your ex may come later, when you’re already seeing someone else, but not just now. You’ll only be prolonging the agony, especially when he says yes and then proceeds to treat you like one of his buddies.
Distance yourself from him and all the places you used to frequent and even your mutual friends. You need time alone for and with yourself. Lament the loss and cry your eyes out, but do it in private with only one or two of your best and trusted friends.
Don’t start a smear campaign against your ex.
Mudslinging is ugly. Spreading word that your ex is a lousy son of a gun, a ne’er-do-well will backfire on you. Instead of bringing him down, you’ll only be seen as a bitter woman who can’t take being dumped graciously.
Don’t beg for another chance.
There’s nothing more humiliating than a woman having to go down on her knees to plead for her ex to come back to her. Don’t promise you’ll change into the woman he wants you to be. You wouldn’t want a man to be with you out of pity. Plus, you’ll always be wondering if he really loves you or he’s just giving in to you for the meantime.
Realize that there’s another world out there, one without your ex, and it’s up to you if you will move on or stay stuck in a one-sided relationship.
Marie Miller studied psychology and writes about family, parenting and relationship advice.
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